S Generation

I thought about changing the blog name to something like "Sandwiched!" to more accurately capture my life.

While I have found myself making more PB&Js than I have made in a little bit; that is not the reason for the change. It is because we are not just raising a ten year old late in life, we are really living life fully fledged as members of the sandwich generation.

My eighty something year old mom has been with us now for close to 5 years. We brought her into our home due to health crises she suffered; which include breast cancer.

My partner is her primary caregiver. Due to her health challenges, she had to have a colostomy. She has arthritis and lacks the dexterity to change the bag; my partner is the only one who she wants to change it.

As one would expect, all these health challenges, plus having to give up your independence have led to her feeling depressed. The one thing that has brought some joy to her is having another grandchild who she can spoil as she did with her other grandchildren.

It was because of the experience of becoming her caregiver that we pushed forward to commit to this adoption. We knew that while caregiving has its challenges; it also has its rewards of helping someone who is in need.

Yes, there are days when I mutter and wonder, but this is what life is about - giving back till you can give no more.

Month 4

I will sit down soon and sort through it all; part of my new year, new beginnings ritual. We are into the 4th month now of full time living as a family.

Each day is a new revelation; a peeling back of what this child has inside of him; locked away even from his conscious view.

He is so vulnerable and wants this to work so badly. He wants to trust but has his life experience which tells him to trust no one, especially those who say, I will be here for you.

We have in place a great team (after some mis-starts) and that is what is helping him slowly open up.

Time's March

Time - that is the one thing that feels so fleeting, lately.

We never have enough to do all the things we need to do; the weekend rolls around and before you know it, back to the week day routine.

We are at the 45 day check point and are going through an assessment of school - that is the one hugh disappointment - the school system here *sigh*. The whole thing is complicated of course by the diagnosis that the kid has.

But from where I sit, at least today, right now - he is doing remarkably well, all things considered.

Jumping Off The Ground

IMG00130-20090913-1308.jpg
Originally uploaded by cmh0150

This is a good photo, shows him (his feet) bungee-kinda jumping.

We were at a community festival; end of a long day/week.

In the close to month, he has been home; we are more a family - all things compressed though into a few weeks - getting to be who we are, while at the same time, being open and knowing that we are not who we have been.

Anyway, it has been intense and full and worth it all.

island

Feels like we are on an island at times; living here in the wanna be suburban mecca....

Parenting as SGL men, we always understood it would be a challenge and embrace it - but sure would be nice if we had neighbors a cul-de-sac over or so, to have play dates with our kids and to discuss life with....

This past week, we encountered an absolutely horrid mental health "professional" - he attempted to provoke our son to have an emotional reaction, to lose it (which he didn't do).

He also threatened to order him to residential therapeutic treatment; this was our first exposure to this person and is our last.

We have concluded that part of his reaction was to dealing with two SGL parents; AK was the foil.

Day One is Done

Finally, finally - the day arrived. The day was full of transition stuff. But one day later, we have had a full day here in his new home.

On the dawn of the day, he, the Amazing Kid (AK) responded, when I said I regretted we could not squeeze a beach trip in: "We have the rest of our lives for the beach."

I hope so, AK; I do.

FTD

Until recently, I thought FTD stood for flowers being delivered to your home.

Now, I know it is also a critical event in the life of a child, Family Team Decision Making--a time for decisions as to his future.

Our child had his today and no surprises - things are continuing to move in the right direction - one week from today, he will be in our home, for what should be forever!!

Have you ever been so cautious that you don't want to breathe for fear that it will upset the harmony that seems to be flowing? That kinda describes where we now are.

In less than two weeks, we should officially become the foster parents. We are looking forward to continuing to growing as a family.

Now that I can do mobile, expect more.

But now I am low on batteries....

13 days

we are down to only 13 days before the next stage - it has been a long and wild ride, I believe it will get even wilder but this i know for sure, we are bonded together, a family forever...

life is good

still moving

it has been a bit since i checked in....

suffice it to say that things are moving forward, hard to believe that the summer is half done...

all i could promise our son is that, next year, will be different - a vacation, a time to relax versus worrying about when he will be allowed to move

heroes

when you hear folk talk about foster care heroes, typically what they are thinking of are the volunteers, the foster care parents ...

but truth be told, the true heroes are the children in the system...

they come not by choice, expected to navigate as best as they can...

even if fortunate to have a loving family to which they can be returned, the trauma is something that most children never have to deal with...

for those others, they are challenged to survive in a system that, at best, puts a premium on their physical safety;

efforts to deal with their emotional needs are mostly drug based.

any child who can survive and thrive through all of this has to be a rare child -

we believe and hope we have that child....

amazing love

feels much like a roller coaster, but thankfully, not with the full g-force effect - we have cleared the air, made clear the rules and engaged, fully, in accountability...

and, yes, again clearly and amazingly know that this is right....

our very own crisis

before, the crisises that we heard about were all attributable to the system, the caregivers who did not really care....

now, we have our very own crisis - fully attributable to no one but our child in the new family unit...

without getting into it (very difficult to write here and maintain confidentiality), we have to now deal with lying....

torn

at this point, i alternate between periods of complete and utter contentment with periods of unmitigated fear and depression, knowing things are moving forward....

the feelings in the former are understandable and expected....

the feelings in the latter are not....

perhaps they are brought forward by the reality of dealing with a system that, for the most part, doesn't appear to genuinely and passionately care....

today, i had to deal with the educational system....

*sigh*

right activity

finding the right activities is a challenge....

now, we are looking at what would be the right gymnastics activity...

of course, all are a ride away...

Changed Reality

Schools will be a challenge -

He is such a smart kid - on our last visit, he asked us whether he could go to private school. I asked him why he wanted to do that; he said he thought that they would be fun, with more things to do.

When we moved here, the dismal state of the local schools was a theoretical issue - an annoyance for sure as it was a drag on property values....

But now, given the requirement that children who are in the state's care must attend public school, it is a very frustrating thing.

While we know that, when the adoption is finalized, we can make choices outside the public school system; that is going to take a few months.


*sigh*

sham

maybe fatigue is settling in, but right now, feeling that much of the finesse claimed by the public social services system for the protection of children in need is a sham....

there is a basic level that is provided children - keeping them out of harm's way and sheltering them but that is in truth about all there is...

for the emotionally fragile or challenging child, medication is the solution offered and preferred....

late to heelys

you miss out on much when you don't have kids in your life - like heelys

so, in the window of limited hours that we had been given for our first official visit, we did some frantic looking to find some, as that is what he asked about....

we did not find them but got some knockoffs that hopefully will hold until we can get the real ones and get him home

reversal

this weekend, there will be a reversal of the travel pattern and for the first time, he will get to see his new home, his room and his neighborhood....

i probably won't sleep tonight...

reality

So, now with visit #2 behind us, we are settling into a more realistic assessment of what it will be like, day to day, once we have him with us.

I am not going to go into his life's history. This will be a challenge, one that we are going into with eyes wide open, with hope pinned on our shoulders.

I believe that we can and will make the positive difference in his life. We both believe that what he needs and has not had is someone constant who is there for him, talking to him and showing by action that we always will be there for him.

We are the third family that has appeared in his life, ready to become his "forever family."

My fear is that somehow we are not ready but my gut says it makes no difference as long as we watch our for him, love and support him as we build him up to the adult he will be.

avoiding the past

so, the second visit - this time, we are hoping to have a some genuine time away - just the three of us....

we have been reminded time and again, that we must proceed slowly, to gain his trust and comfort before we bring him to our home.... he has has unsucessful placements in the past and they want to avoid that....

this is very difficult for someone like me who likes to make a snap decision, after feeling it is the right thing to do....

all we really want is to have him here, helping him grow....

Terrific

Well, now that we got to spend some time with him; we got a sense of who he is - generally, I think he is a TERRIFIC kid, a bit sad, very quiet but really smart.

We are anxious and ready to put in place all the things he will need.

While the social workers keep asking us to focus on emotional bonding, assuring us that they will take care of finding the right educational and therapeutic supports he needs, I am concerned that they find the right ones, here in Prince George's.

So, we too begin our search as we delve into the complicated world of parenting and transitioning a child from an institution to a home.

Anxious

Yup. We finally get to meet him. I want it to go well.

No - at this point, I just want there to be no disaster.

My expectations are a bit low, I suppose.

Insanity

My thoughts flow between impatience at the ever-so slow pace of getting our son, to being incredulous that we are seriously doing this, "at our age."

When I read about the milestones of fostering, particularly the part about being tired and exhausted - the self-doubt really kicked in.

I mean, in the eyes of many, this is the age we are supposed to be getting all comfy in those big easy rocking chairs, watching golden sunsets.

Instead, we face the rising sun, the arrival of our ten year old.

Why are we doing this? As some, who upon learning of our efforts to foster/adopt, have asked: are you insane!?!

Well, one thing that has happened with the passage of time for us is that we now know that part of our journey on this earth, perhaps the only part that really matters, is about what we do for one another.

How do we give back; how do we make this world just a tad bit better for having lived here.

Being two same-gender loving men, who lived and recall life before time's passage and the toll of AIDS on those we would have grown older with; we have witnessed much. We have much to share. What better way to share than with someone who has started life with so few around him.

So, if that makes us insane - then, yes - we happily are.

honoring daddy

this is one of my favorite pictures of my daddy and his father - probably one of the very few times that they were together.

my granddaddy was largely absent from my daddy's life - a fact that he never got over.

with the adoption, we are in a way honoring daddy - by bringing into our lives, this young person who is in desperate need for love, attention and wholeness for the rest of his life.

one step closer

so, he has been shown the scrapbook of our lives and now we soon will find out from the one who stays in  his life, how he really feels about this all

feels like things are going the right way...

Solutions

We are anticipating getting our home ready for a child. We have always had adults here; this is an adjustment.

One item is television - my mom who is hard of hearing, but like many - she refuses to wear any device to assist in hearing. So, usually, you can hear the sound from her TV throughout the house. Not a problem, except when we want to make sure the kid goes to bed early and sleeps soundly.

So, anticipating that - I searched to see what I could find on the internet and seem to have come up on a good solution: a wireless TV speaker that she can have right next to her bed at night.

Now, we need to think about moving the vitamins and Rx meds from the kitchen cabinet.

Breaking Through

Somewhere I heard that 75% of a person's thoughts are negative - that we keep having this inner dialog with ourselves.

I think that sounds kinda high but the point being, our thoughts really can impact on who we are and who we become.

Interesting article about our thoughts, noting how Liberace , that great kinda in/kinda out the closet showman, learned the power of positive thoughts and transformed his life.

I can only imagine what must be going through a child's mind who has been in the foster care system for most of their life.

To have a breakthrough, to get a semblance of trust and happiness is going to really be one of the greatest challenges we have faced in our years together.

Part of means being aware of our own thoughts and how they have guided us throughout our lives and continuing to work on them, pushing them over to the positive side.

But I know in my heart and mind, that no matter how deep the challenge, we will meet it as a family.

Time's Glacial Pace

Now, having decided to move forward, time seems to be moving at a snail's pace.

We have to set up a visitation schedule. I am guessing it will be within the next two weeks that we get our first formal introduction.

Not sure what we should be doing until then, other than anticipating... but really really ready to get this started....

Scrap Book

Gathering pictures for a scrap book so he can have something to see when we are presented to him as prospective parents...

Debating which pictures to include, which are too old, dredging up memories of years gone by....

Not sure at all...



but this picture of our recently adopted CoCo is a must

Coming Together

This is the first of what I hope will be many notes, journaling the adoption of our son.

We come to this late in our 30+ year relationship but with enthusiasm and wisdom.

The one we hope will be our son is almost 10 years old; if all goes well, by the time, he is living with us, he will be 10.

For us, he is the child we have been waiting for, over 30 years.

Thus, the journal: Almost 10, over 30.