Moving Forward

Damn. One year since I last posted.

I also may need to rethink the name of the blog, given the AK is 12, closing in on 13 years of age.

So, what can I say about having decided late in life to adopt? I can say that it is worth it - despite the times that I long for some downtime. Watching him grow, worrying over his future choices, hoping we can do all we can to influence those choices - yes, all worth it.

Realizing that he is not a projection of me, my desires, but he is going to be whomever he is; that has been one of the most difficult things for me. Giving him the space to grow, watching him grow; all these make it worth it.

He is no longer in a special ed class - first time in his life that this has happened. Yes, there are struggles but he seems to have things under control, relatively speaking.

Finally

This month, we will finalize the adoption. It is has been an amazing journey. Along the way, we lost my mom. I had hoped she would be able to live long enough to witness the ceremony.

But this is life; we make it all we can in the time we have.

I will post more later.

S Generation

I thought about changing the blog name to something like "Sandwiched!" to more accurately capture my life.

While I have found myself making more PB&Js than I have made in a little bit; that is not the reason for the change. It is because we are not just raising a ten year old late in life, we are really living life fully fledged as members of the sandwich generation.

My eighty something year old mom has been with us now for close to 5 years. We brought her into our home due to health crises she suffered; which include breast cancer.

My partner is her primary caregiver. Due to her health challenges, she had to have a colostomy. She has arthritis and lacks the dexterity to change the bag; my partner is the only one who she wants to change it.

As one would expect, all these health challenges, plus having to give up your independence have led to her feeling depressed. The one thing that has brought some joy to her is having another grandchild who she can spoil as she did with her other grandchildren.

It was because of the experience of becoming her caregiver that we pushed forward to commit to this adoption. We knew that while caregiving has its challenges; it also has its rewards of helping someone who is in need.

Yes, there are days when I mutter and wonder, but this is what life is about - giving back till you can give no more.

Month 4

I will sit down soon and sort through it all; part of my new year, new beginnings ritual. We are into the 4th month now of full time living as a family.

Each day is a new revelation; a peeling back of what this child has inside of him; locked away even from his conscious view.

He is so vulnerable and wants this to work so badly. He wants to trust but has his life experience which tells him to trust no one, especially those who say, I will be here for you.

We have in place a great team (after some mis-starts) and that is what is helping him slowly open up.

Time's March

Time - that is the one thing that feels so fleeting, lately.

We never have enough to do all the things we need to do; the weekend rolls around and before you know it, back to the week day routine.

We are at the 45 day check point and are going through an assessment of school - that is the one hugh disappointment - the school system here *sigh*. The whole thing is complicated of course by the diagnosis that the kid has.

But from where I sit, at least today, right now - he is doing remarkably well, all things considered.

island

Feels like we are on an island at times; living here in the wanna be suburban mecca....

Parenting as SGL men, we always understood it would be a challenge and embrace it - but sure would be nice if we had neighbors a cul-de-sac over or so, to have play dates with our kids and to discuss life with....

This past week, we encountered an absolutely horrid mental health "professional" - he attempted to provoke our son to have an emotional reaction, to lose it (which he didn't do).

He also threatened to order him to residential therapeutic treatment; this was our first exposure to this person and is our last.

We have concluded that part of his reaction was to dealing with two SGL parents; AK was the foil.

Day One is Done

Finally, finally - the day arrived. The day was full of transition stuff. But one day later, we have had a full day here in his new home.

On the dawn of the day, he, the Amazing Kid (AK) responded, when I said I regretted we could not squeeze a beach trip in: "We have the rest of our lives for the beach."

I hope so, AK; I do.

FTD

Until recently, I thought FTD stood for flowers being delivered to your home.

Now, I know it is also a critical event in the life of a child, Family Team Decision Making--a time for decisions as to his future.

Our child had his today and no surprises - things are continuing to move in the right direction - one week from today, he will be in our home, for what should be forever!!

Have you ever been so cautious that you don't want to breathe for fear that it will upset the harmony that seems to be flowing? That kinda describes where we now are.

13 days

we are down to only 13 days before the next stage - it has been a long and wild ride, I believe it will get even wilder but this i know for sure, we are bonded together, a family forever...

life is good

heroes

when you hear folk talk about foster care heroes, typically what they are thinking of are the volunteers, the foster care parents ...

but truth be told, the true heroes are the children in the system...

they come not by choice, expected to navigate as best as they can...

even if fortunate to have a loving family to which they can be returned, the trauma is something that most children never have to deal with...

for those others, they are challenged to survive in a system that, at best, puts a premium on their physical safety;

efforts to deal with their emotional needs are mostly drug based.

any child who can survive and thrive through all of this has to be a rare child -

we believe and hope we have that child....

reality

So, now with visit #2 behind us, we are settling into a more realistic assessment of what it will be like, day to day, once we have him with us.

I am not going to go into his life's history. This will be a challenge, one that we are going into with eyes wide open, with hope pinned on our shoulders.

I believe that we can and will make the positive difference in his life. We both believe that what he needs and has not had is someone constant who is there for him, talking to him and showing by action that we always will be there for him.

We are the third family that has appeared in his life, ready to become his "forever family."

My fear is that somehow we are not ready but my gut says it makes no difference as long as we watch our for him, love and support him as we build him up to the adult he will be.

Insanity

My thoughts flow between impatience at the ever-so slow pace of getting our son, to being incredulous that we are seriously doing this, "at our age."

When I read about the milestones of fostering, particularly the part about being tired and exhausted - the self-doubt really kicked in.

I mean, in the eyes of many, this is the age we are supposed to be getting all comfy in those big easy rocking chairs, watching golden sunsets.

Instead, we face the rising sun, the arrival of our ten year old.

Why are we doing this? As some, who upon learning of our efforts to foster/adopt, have asked: are you insane!?!

Well, one thing that has happened with the passage of time for us is that we now know that part of our journey on this earth, perhaps the only part that really matters, is about what we do for one another.

How do we give back; how do we make this world just a tad bit better for having lived here.

Being two same-gender loving men, who lived and recall life before time's passage and the toll of AIDS on those we would have grown older with; we have witnessed much. We have much to share. What better way to share than with someone who has started life with so few around him.

So, if that makes us insane - then, yes - we happily are.

Scrap Book

Gathering pictures for a scrap book so he can have something to see when we are presented to him as prospective parents...

Debating which pictures to include, which are too old, dredging up memories of years gone by....

Not sure at all...



but this picture of our recently adopted CoCo is a must

Coming Together

This is the first of what I hope will be many notes, journaling the adoption of our son.

We come to this late in our 30+ year relationship but with enthusiasm and wisdom.

The one we hope will be our son is almost 10 years old; if all goes well, by the time, he is living with us, he will be 10.

For us, he is the child we have been waiting for, over 30 years.

Thus, the journal: Almost 10, over 30.