Coming full circle...

It is very hard to read the early posts.

It is even harder to accept the reality.

The past three or four years have been the most challenging I have ever witnessed. We struggled to get him to graduate from high school but managed it. We fought to keep him on the path as he veered off, making his own path. 

A couple of months after  he turned 18, I bailed him out of jail with the house up as collateral and borrowed against my retirement to get him the best attorney we could afford. He got him a sweet deal which would have removed the charge, conditioned on his going to school.

Two weeks before he turned 19, he got himself arrested and put back in jail.

I know now this is a lesson he must learn; I will not rescue him so that he can grow.

I am grieving.

Summer Time - Finally Here (Almost)

So, Summer, while officially, weeks away, is only one week away - insofar as school being done. The school year was a transitional one - first time AK was in a regular classroom setting. Until now, for his entire life, he had been in a setting where everyone was in Special Education.

While there were bumps along the way this year, all in all, he succeeded. In hugh part due to the school - it was a new charter school, and everyone was determined to give all a fair chance to make it. He made it, after seeing that the school was serious about getting rid of troublemakers.

Now, we have to figure out plans for the Summer. Two weeks away at camp, for sure. Not certain what else... but just glad to finally have the school year ending.

Moving Forward

Damn. One year since I last posted.

I also may need to rethink the name of the blog, given the AK is 12, closing in on 13 years of age.

So, what can I say about having decided late in life to adopt? I can say that it is worth it - despite the times that I long for some downtime. Watching him grow, worrying over his future choices, hoping we can do all we can to influence those choices - yes, all worth it.

Realizing that he is not a projection of me, my desires, but he is going to be whomever he is; that has been one of the most difficult things for me. Giving him the space to grow, watching him grow; all these make it worth it.

He is no longer in a special ed class - first time in his life that this has happened. Yes, there are struggles but he seems to have things under control, relatively speaking.

Finally

This month, we will finalize the adoption. It is has been an amazing journey. Along the way, we lost my mom. I had hoped she would be able to live long enough to witness the ceremony.

But this is life; we make it all we can in the time we have.

I will post more later.

Halloween Check In

Seems I have resorted to a 6 month blogging period ...

Anyway, things are progressing; the reality is here and he is doing well... sensing now more of who he is and he is adjusting to having a couple of parents... a new thing for him

into skateboarding and computer games, I somehow need to entice him to read more....

about once or twice per month, we go to a UU church - right now, it is something he resists but once there, does really well with...

trying still to connect with other SGL families... that will come in time

Five Months?!?

Has it really been that long since I journaled last?

We are moments away (figuratively) from the end of the school year; it has been a roller coaster ride for sure. We all thoroughly despise the school - and still are working to try to get him out of it by next year.

Yes - despise is a very strong word. But, the right one, I believe. He was attacked yesterday by another kid. This is the same kid who, a couple of weeks earlier, fought him and then, when home, sent him an email - calling him a "fag."

Of course, brought all this to the attention of his teacher and the administrators - no action and it escalated to the attack yesterday. Now, I have more higher ups paying attention. All we want is a safe environment where our son can learn and feel free to be himself.

S Generation

I thought about changing the blog name to something like "Sandwiched!" to more accurately capture my life.

While I have found myself making more PB&Js than I have made in a little bit; that is not the reason for the change. It is because we are not just raising a ten year old late in life, we are really living life fully fledged as members of the sandwich generation.

My eighty something year old mom has been with us now for close to 5 years. We brought her into our home due to health crises she suffered; which include breast cancer.

My partner is her primary caregiver. Due to her health challenges, she had to have a colostomy. She has arthritis and lacks the dexterity to change the bag; my partner is the only one who she wants to change it.

As one would expect, all these health challenges, plus having to give up your independence have led to her feeling depressed. The one thing that has brought some joy to her is having another grandchild who she can spoil as she did with her other grandchildren.

It was because of the experience of becoming her caregiver that we pushed forward to commit to this adoption. We knew that while caregiving has its challenges; it also has its rewards of helping someone who is in need.

Yes, there are days when I mutter and wonder, but this is what life is about - giving back till you can give no more.

Month 4

I will sit down soon and sort through it all; part of my new year, new beginnings ritual. We are into the 4th month now of full time living as a family.

Each day is a new revelation; a peeling back of what this child has inside of him; locked away even from his conscious view.

He is so vulnerable and wants this to work so badly. He wants to trust but has his life experience which tells him to trust no one, especially those who say, I will be here for you.

We have in place a great team (after some mis-starts) and that is what is helping him slowly open up.

Time's March

Time - that is the one thing that feels so fleeting, lately.

We never have enough to do all the things we need to do; the weekend rolls around and before you know it, back to the week day routine.

We are at the 45 day check point and are going through an assessment of school - that is the one hugh disappointment - the school system here *sigh*. The whole thing is complicated of course by the diagnosis that the kid has.

But from where I sit, at least today, right now - he is doing remarkably well, all things considered.

Jumping Off The Ground

IMG00130-20090913-1308.jpg
Originally uploaded by cmh0150

This is a good photo, shows him (his feet) bungee-kinda jumping.

We were at a community festival; end of a long day/week.

In the close to month, he has been home; we are more a family - all things compressed though into a few weeks - getting to be who we are, while at the same time, being open and knowing that we are not who we have been.

Anyway, it has been intense and full and worth it all.

island

Feels like we are on an island at times; living here in the wanna be suburban mecca....

Parenting as SGL men, we always understood it would be a challenge and embrace it - but sure would be nice if we had neighbors a cul-de-sac over or so, to have play dates with our kids and to discuss life with....

This past week, we encountered an absolutely horrid mental health "professional" - he attempted to provoke our son to have an emotional reaction, to lose it (which he didn't do).

He also threatened to order him to residential therapeutic treatment; this was our first exposure to this person and is our last.

We have concluded that part of his reaction was to dealing with two SGL parents; AK was the foil.

Day One is Done

Finally, finally - the day arrived. The day was full of transition stuff. But one day later, we have had a full day here in his new home.

On the dawn of the day, he, the Amazing Kid (AK) responded, when I said I regretted we could not squeeze a beach trip in: "We have the rest of our lives for the beach."

I hope so, AK; I do.

FTD

Until recently, I thought FTD stood for flowers being delivered to your home.

Now, I know it is also a critical event in the life of a child, Family Team Decision Making--a time for decisions as to his future.

Our child had his today and no surprises - things are continuing to move in the right direction - one week from today, he will be in our home, for what should be forever!!

Have you ever been so cautious that you don't want to breathe for fear that it will upset the harmony that seems to be flowing? That kinda describes where we now are.

In less than two weeks, we should officially become the foster parents. We are looking forward to continuing to growing as a family.

Now that I can do mobile, expect more.

But now I am low on batteries....

13 days

we are down to only 13 days before the next stage - it has been a long and wild ride, I believe it will get even wilder but this i know for sure, we are bonded together, a family forever...

life is good

still moving

it has been a bit since i checked in....

suffice it to say that things are moving forward, hard to believe that the summer is half done...

all i could promise our son is that, next year, will be different - a vacation, a time to relax versus worrying about when he will be allowed to move

heroes

when you hear folk talk about foster care heroes, typically what they are thinking of are the volunteers, the foster care parents ...

but truth be told, the true heroes are the children in the system...

they come not by choice, expected to navigate as best as they can...

even if fortunate to have a loving family to which they can be returned, the trauma is something that most children never have to deal with...

for those others, they are challenged to survive in a system that, at best, puts a premium on their physical safety;

efforts to deal with their emotional needs are mostly drug based.

any child who can survive and thrive through all of this has to be a rare child -

we believe and hope we have that child....

amazing love

feels much like a roller coaster, but thankfully, not with the full g-force effect - we have cleared the air, made clear the rules and engaged, fully, in accountability...

and, yes, again clearly and amazingly know that this is right....

our very own crisis

before, the crisises that we heard about were all attributable to the system, the caregivers who did not really care....

now, we have our very own crisis - fully attributable to no one but our child in the new family unit...

without getting into it (very difficult to write here and maintain confidentiality), we have to now deal with lying....